NOW...

Post-Margaret Collapse

Margaret died in October 2024.

I worked a little longer after she died.

Then I stopped.

There wasn’t a big decision. I just couldn’t keep going in the same way.

She had been constant in my life since I was fifteen. Mentor. Friend. Anchor. Even when I was abroad, even when I was in the West End, even when I was married, even when everything else shifted — she was there.

Then she wasn’t.

I don’t think I understood how much of my internal stability was tied to her being alive.

After the funeral, everything felt flatter. Not louder. Not explosive. Just empty.

I was still in the house. Still doing normal things. Still answering messages. But something had dropped out of the structure.

Work felt pointless.

I had been working customer-facing jobs for years by that point. Call centres. Support work. Animal care. Whatever paid. I was never fully satisfied in any of them, but I functioned.

After she died, even functioning felt forced.

I kept thinking I should ring her.

Little things. House things. Life things. I’d go to pick up the phone and then remember.

There is no one who knows the full arc of my life the way she did.

That absence is practical. It isn’t sentimental. It’s structural.

I stopped working.

The house that was supposed to be a new start didn’t feel like one. I had moved around before getting there, telling myself this would settle things.

It didn’t.

Loneliness is higher than it has ever been.

There are days where I question what the point is. Not in a theatrical way. Just in a flat, factual way.

Margaret was the person I would process things with. Now I process alone.

The last three years have seen my anxiety increase steadily. After her death it intensified.

There’s no dramatic incident attached to it.

It’s just the removal of the one person who had seen every version of me.

Selling the house is practical. Cash. Regroup. Rent. Work out where to go next.

But underneath that is this:

The person who always believed in me is gone.

And I am trying to stabilise without her.

If this spoke to you, feel free to share it and leave a thought.