LETTING VERY FEW IN

It’s not often I am lost for words...I feel I can articulate quite well. Internally it is like a super highway, my thoughts bumping in to each other, having a chat, nodding with an empathetic look on each others face and going about their business. Whilst all that is going on there are slip roads, traffic lights, vehicle pile ups and a whole load or road rage, let me tell you. It almost sounds funny, but it isn’t!

Imagine for a second, if you can, all that going on is someone’s brain, and whilst that is going on you are having a shit day in the “real world”, you keep getting distracted and you need to speak to someone. Your best friend of 40yrs, died over a year ago and she was your confidante, the person you could chat to for hours, knowing they listen to you 100% and aren’t just nodding their head empathetically...It took some time, no scrap that...it is still taking time to realise I no longer have that safety net. I have a couple of other friends and whilst I would class them as goo friends, close friends, I can’t connect with them the way I want. I am 56 years old and I feel ashamed, stupid and I know they are busy people, so If I choose to write (everything seems to be done on Whatsapp voice messages) I get a reply, of course I do and one in particular will listen and give me their rationale. I have told close people about my anxiety and they understand, but it gets to a point where you don’t want to share any more, because in my mind I am convinced I am boring them, and if I could see them, you imagine them rolling their eyes as if to say “here he goes again”, but this is 100% a reality for me, my chest even tightening whilst I am writing, with a sick feeling. I’m that person that people pity. A simple cliché statement “come on kick yourself up the arse and get on with it”….those people will never know how detrimental that is. As I am overly analytical of any situation, you can imagine how my brain processes all of this. I recall how call or whatsapp messages went, how long it lasted, how much they engaged with me, were they helpful or were they doing the bare minimum to help me etc. Then you feel the messages get shorter or when someone used to get back straight away, it can now be hours or a day until they reply. When you do eventually get a reply, you have already decided you will stay neutral as you believe they don’t want to really hear it. I am just a negative whinging friend. It’s like they think “I’ve told him what to do, how to cope...and he is still going on about anxiety”. Yes, I am still going on about anxiety, because anxiety never left. Anxiety doesn’t want to leave...believe me I have tried with all my might to cure myself of anxiety, but there is nothing in the world that will stop a panic attack coming on….you can breath, yes, but you have to let it ride...it’s not pleasant and it’s not easy to handle.

I get why friends become the way they are. Letting someone get close and imparting personal information about yourself will always be brave to me. So many people say “if you get down, you must speak to someone, I’m always here” I almost teeter into a laugh as this is never the case. People give you a quota of themselves and then they are busy. I don’t doubt they aren’t, but it leaves me vulnerable. So, on these whatsapp voice notes you try to stay energised, upbeat, but inside you are feeling crushed. When you find it hard to trust new people the only way to survive is by letting very few people in. I miss my friend so much...I would give anything to chat to her again. It’s at times like this, you realise how much they held you and supported you. I don’t hate any of the other friends I talk about and I guess if they listened to this, they would be right on the phone telling me differently...but it’s how someone in my position thinks and reacts to the slightest change in communication….you just feel worthless and a burden to others, so you go along with the norm, because you end up not wanting to share, because you think they don’t want to listen or begrudgingly listen….and I don’t want that.

 

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